12 June 2005

Why I'm doing this blog

I read in another blog some discussion of bloggers whose blogs were self-absorbed, and how it was difficult to watch them devolve.

Ouch. I'm obviously doing a lot of navel-gazing, here.

My natural state has always been solitude. I'm quite uncomfortable with people, although I try not to show it. There are a handful of people with whom I feel relaxed, unguarded, at ease.

I'm not used to living in any kind of community. That doesn't mean I can't; it just means I haven't. Yet.

Blogging, for me, is Community. I revel in the bounty of thought.

I do not try to do politics or religion, because there is nothing I can bring to the discussion except to link to someone else's insightful commentary.

I am sharing myself because I want to write a type of memoir which will, if God wills and this is His leading, do for others what the best of the genre has done for me. I believe people can tell when writing is real.

This blog is practice for me, and a way to share with my family and friends at their convenience... dropping off notes which they may pick up and read at their leisure.

As I learn my way around the blog world, learn to 'talk' with people, share ideas and commentary, it helps me learn to be myself. Just because I didn't have the opportunity to be Social before in my life, doesn't mean I always have to be that way. You are helping me to learn how to be a whole person.

When I read over my stuff, I realize that I'm taking way too much time on it; that it's a bit stuck-up sounding, and stilted. That's (alas) normal for me at first, even in person; please forgive it for now. I'll loosen up in a bit. I have a good sense of humor; it'll come through in time.

What some people can take for granted as part of life did not happen to me, partly through my own ignorance and pride. I kept my head down, followed the white line, and marched grimly ahead through my 20s, 30s and 40s.

It is time for me to live. My 50th birthday is not about looking back over the years and noting the times of triumph and pain, and 'remember when?' and looking at photograph albums. It is about the truth slamming into my soul.

A friend of mine who knows my story once said, "Maybe now is the time for you to live about the things you read and write about in stories." Maybe so. I wait on God for that. I am alone, but I am loved by God, my family, and a few very dear friends. I am being healed and fed as I read, write, learn and live. Since I've been reading and blogging, I've been coming out of the dark, tired place where I've lived most of my life. Life is having moments when it feels like - dare I say it? - fun. :) One reason it does is because I have a community of people who allow me to share moments of thought, episodes in their lives, and what they think about the Church and the world. It makes it easier for me to consider going out into the world in real time, speaking instead of typing. I feel I was led here. Pray for me that I may use this forum in a way which will help others as well as myself.

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