08 April 2006

Blessed into wholeness of life

Lorna commented on my post about the way I felt led to celebrate Lent this year.

Lorna's in the right line of work. Her blessings are effective.

She wrote:
Be so blessed today. May His love surround you, and his gentle joy for life bubble up, like the warmth in a jaccuzi. You are His precious daughter - and the only rule He gives is that You allow Him to love you to life.
The way she phrased that - "allow Him to love you to life" - struck me at the time, because it was a different way to phrase it... a bit uncanny, because it's felt like God has wanted me to quit fighting Him over the good things He wants to give me. You're being silly, Father; You know I'm a sinner! Now, go away and give [this latest blessing] to someone else. I don't deserve it. I know better than You what I ought to have.

My goal during Lent was to repent of saying that in various ways to my dear Abba, and allow Him to treat me the way He wanted, without my editorializing and interfering.

In my post, I related how my fears prevented me from allowing myself to respond to my dear friend when he confessed his love for me thirty-some-odd years ago, and how, some months later, he was gone. The afternoon he left, I watched him go, and said to myself, "There goes my life. I am watching my life walk away from me."

"[T]he only rule He gives is that You allow Him to love you to life."

My life has been restored.

It's a long story. I will spare you for now. But every step and turn I - we - take leads to more peace. I've not felt so rested, whole and right since ... well, since we were dating, decades ago.

We have issues to resolve, things to do, ... none of this can happen quickly. There is much to learn, much to do, and lots of transitions to be made, some as yet unknown.

None of it matters. It will get done, or not, however God decides. We look into each other's eyes, and what we see there is all we need to know.

I've not had time to read others' blogs with any regularity. For that, I'm sorry. Your companionship, your interest, your comments, your prayers and your blessings have helped me so much. Without you, I might not have been able to understand that I really can live a whole life. Thank you.

When I look back where I was, I see how far I've come, even though, on the way, each step seemed an infinitesimal gain, and I felt I had to rest for an entire day, or maybe a week, after taking it. God has blessed those tiny, exhausting steps. Like the loaves and fishes, they have become full of days and distance from the self-limited place of life where I was before.

More later, God willing.

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