Mothers Day thoughts (a bit late)

My own mother died fourteen years ago. I still feel relief that she's gone, even as I fiercely miss her. She often did that to one ... lots of mixed feelings, all very strong. Heh.

I am not a mother. Because my mother suffered so providing for us two girls after her divorce, I became very wary of love and marriage. I resolved to get my college degree and make a place for myself in the world before risking it all on a child. I saw marriage and parenthood as separate in those days, because that's how it felt in our family. Just once I felt nearly overwhelmed by my instinctive desire to have a family, but the young man who provoked those feelings was abstracted by another young woman. I lost my friend, and my trust. When I finally married, it was with the express understanding that there would be no children.

In the last few years, as my marriage came apart and I began to leave off denying my feelings, I realized what I'd done to myself by my refusal to stand up for my love and my terror of being Left by a man. I'd rather not ever go through anything like that time of facing reality again, please God.

But I had to go through it then, and I did, and I had help, support and care from someone I'd never expected to see again: the young man who left me. Oh, he's not young now, any more than I am, but he is still the sweetest, dearest ...

We spent Mother's Day together, he and I, visiting with his folks and a couple of his siblings. I've always liked his family, and they made me feel welcome. I had a wonderful time. His mother went out of her way to get my phone number before I left.

At one point during the day, I looked around at the individuals in the room, and it hit me: this is my family. This is the home I was denied thirty-some years ago. God preserved it, and my dear one, and me, for His own inscrutable purpose. I get a second chance.

In the past, I would have focused on the undeniable fact that I am a sinner who does not and cannot deserve anything like such a blessing; but as I've been learning, it's not up to me. If God wants to bless me, I am obedient only if I accept it with love and gratitude.

On Monday, the prayer guide I used started out with the Psalm for the week, number 126:

1 When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.
2 Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them.
3 The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.
4. Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south.
5. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
6 He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.